Kibological poetry

A selection of fine poetry from ARK. If you don't want your work to appear here, just let me know and I'll remove it. (I've tried to ask everyone.)

See also:

Your Lying Prostate

plorkwort, July 2008

Your lying prostate
on the floor
because I can't take your abuse
of this language any more

At first I closed my eyes to kiss you,
so didn't miss apostrophes
and "orientate" lost a syllable
when you just gave me a squeeze

but weeks and months of eggcorns
(it's just us this is between)
made me want to slay you
with poor Lady Mondegreen.

And I guess now I'm revolting
But it's not with any malice
And some might call it callous
(but not calloused or Calais)

And when they come to get me,
if there's humor in the Fates
I'll end up punching commas
On a million license plates

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Now I wanna be your cat

Nervous Nicko & Adam Funk, March 2008

So messed up I want you here
In my room I want you here
Now we're gonna be face-to-face
And I'll lay right down in my favorite place
And now I wanna be your cat

Now I wanna be your cat
Now I wanna be your cat
Well come on

Now I'm ready to close my eyes
Now I'm ready to close my mind
Now I'm ready to eat your lox
And lose my heart on the litter box
And now I wanna be your cat

Now I wanna be your cat
Now I wanna be your cat
Well come on

Apologies to Iggy and the Stooges. Thanks to Darla for the spelling tip.

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One kibologist, two kibologist

Otto Bahn, January 2007

One kibologist, two kibologist
Red kibologist, blue kibologist
Black kibologist, white kibologist
Old kibologist, new kibologist
This one has a birthday suit
This one has a horn to toot
Say! What a lot of kibologists are cute!
Some are read, and some got blues
Some are trolled, and some are Jews
Some are sotto, and some are alto
And some are very, very blotto
Why are they sotto and alto and blotto?
I do not know. Go ask uncle oTTo!

Doctroid & Madge have also contributed to the expanding Web_2.0_ified version of this epic-to-be.

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I'm my own car's cdr

plorkwort, July 2006

Many many years ago there was a little hacker
Who wrote some data structures that showed how he was a slacker
He started with a list of links, and then he linked the lists
But here the story complicates, and there the story twists

He cons'd me to another datum (I'll call this one 'a)
Who, though a single atom, in my parenthis did stay
Our single list then doubled as a 'b was then cons'd in
And here the tragic recurse of my own tale does begin

For though I was inside the list he then defined me out
As being the one thing of which this story was about
My head and tail recursed until I could not see my feet
The hacker whooped in joy and though that he was very 1337.

I'm my own car's cdr
I'm my own car's cdr
I'm stuck in a parenthesis
Losing my emphasis
I'm my own car's cdr.

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Fourteen Holy Helpers

plorkwort, July 2006

Author's note: The Fourteen Holy Helpers are a group of saints sharing a common feast day on 8 August (before 1969); they were first associated as a single unit during desperation over the black plague. Most were removed from the calendar and supressed by Vatican II.

higgledy piggledy
roman centurion
spikes on his helmet
that run through his brain—

that is what qualifies
to cure people's migranes
and other head pain.

celebrant darii
not just a logic form
BARBARA: patron of
towers and fire,

geologists, hatters,
and mathematicians,
death when it's sudden
and diseases dire.

BLAISE is the patron
of choking and wool trade,
due to his martrdom
by carding combs

also is helpful
against death by wild beast
saving small children,
removing fish bones

kaboom and kersmashle
fireworks commemorate
this holy virgin
killed by a wheel

such a great story,
alexandrian CATHERINE
but, says the Vatican,
probably not real.

splishity sploshity
wading through rivers
everyone's favorite saint

patron of travellers
and transportation
but Vatican II says
that he can't be and ain't.

higgledy piggeldy
exorcist Roman
converted the Persians,
was the king's best chum

Good will and friendship
from Diocletian too still
didn't save CYRIAC
from martyrdom.

Montmartre's bishop
Beheaded like Anne Boleyn
Walks round like she does
But means no harm

DENIS cures rabies
quite inexplicably
for someone who carries
his head 'neath his arm.

Bishop of Campagna
fled to Mount Lebanon
fed by a raven who
sang like a choir

Abdominal trouble? try
ERASMUS Formiae,
also for shipwrecks and
St. Elmo's fire.

Thrown to the lions
this great Roman general
Found them playing like kittens
with a ball of wool

Trajan didn't pardon
but cooked him and his family
inside a bronze bull.

Killing a dragon,
protecting a country
All in a day's work
for noble St. GEORGE

He protects armorers,
horsemen, syphilitics,
Bonny olde England
and men of the forge.

Wounded by friendly fire
from hunting arrows
St GILES refused medicine
other than thorns

Nevertheless a great
shepherd and monastic
sheep mark his feast day
with ribbons on horns

Another shepherd and
martyr by boiling pot
Et by a dragon
but coughed up alive

Patron of childbirth,
MARGARET of Antioch
also helps exiles
and nurses survive

Maxmilian's doctor
bribed, threatened and tortured
Was finally martyred by
nails and a knife

Treating consumption
Also brings batchelors
and the tortured to life.

Martyred in boiling oil
during a thunderstorm
With roosters thrown in
just by mischance

Now he's the patron of
storms, oversleeping,
entertainment and
of course VITUS's dance.

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plorkwort, June 2006

slippety stickety
find the mantissa
by moving the C scale
to line up with L

easy as pi then—the
count past the decimal
and all is well.

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